I'm feeling torn in so many places these days. There's that tear around my hip that still aches whenever I attempt to run on it for more than half an hour at a time. There's another hole near my head that makes me squint at my computer screen in frustration. Another small but bothersome rip in my gut that's making me anxious over the fading light and change of season. I'm also realizing that the tear over my heart keeps getting bigger, and I don't know what to do about it. I find myself restless, irritable, short tempered, listless, lonely. You name it, I could probably whine about it.
And that's just not me.
I'm supposed to be bubbly, quick to laugh, slightly snarky, smiling, on the move. This apathetic listless blob staring back at me from the mirror just doesn't feel right. I know she's hiding in there somewhere, but how to coax her back out? How does a person decide who they really want be, anyway? Doesn't that just happen?
I spent a wonderful 3 days in New York City this past week. It marked my second trip there, and I fell in love all over again. I know it's such a cliche, but I really felt at home there. There's something in the energy, the way people move and interact, that really appeals to me. The weather was beautiful and the conversations better. While I did learn that I am not cut out for 24/7 partying like the friends I encountered, I liked who I was there. Not afraid to ask strangers for help, walking with my chin up, chatting comfortably with people I'd met only 10 minutes before. Sometimes I miss the east coast so much it hurts.
On the one hand, I adore my job here. I could use more of a challenge, for sure. But it's a good gig and I'm lucky to have it. I wouldn't want to leave that behind. Yet on the other, well, I feel like I'm not ready to be done yet. Part of me wants to go back to school and stay there, always learning. I want to be better than I am at so many things, but don't know where to start or who to ask. I feel like I've given up and settled, and that's ridiculous.
Sometimes being an adult is so bothersome. If I had no obligations, I think I would pick up and move again. Would I be any more content in NYC? I doubt it. And the unbelievable hassle of moving all of my stuff across country for the second time would be unreasonable at this point. If I didn't have to worry about the debt, I'd apply to Columbia and NYU and harass their journalism departments until they let me in. Wishful thinking.
So for now, will someone please shake me and remind me what is good about this place? I loved early fall in Seattle. The weather was beautiful. Then the rains came back, and I'm homesick again. For the friends I left and can't seem to make here. If my sister and an awesome friend from high school weren't here I'd be going crazy.
Wondering on a Wednesday.....wondering what I really want and how to go about it. If anyone has any answers for me, I'm all ears!
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